Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The end of 2010.

The following blog post is full of honesty. I have no secrets. Maybe I should, but I’m not very good at keeping them for long, so why bother.

In some ways it seems like this year flew right by and in others ways it seemed like it would never come to an end.

This year has been full of ups and downs for me. Perhaps it could be labeled the most emotional year of my life thus far. My apologies to anyone caught in the crossfire. Somehow or another this year seems to have slipped by me without my consent. Though, I guess they all do that.

I haven’t written in here much. I have to confess it’s mostly because I haven’t been living up to my title of “eternal optimist” I’ve been more of an “eternal pessimist” this year. Which also explains why I’ve been somewhat distant with pretty much all of my friends in the past few months. My apologies for that, as well. I know it’s selfish. Though I may not have been in tip-top shape, perhaps my friends needed me, and yet I stayed distant worried about my own problems. Next year I want to be a more of a whole and stable person so that I will be able to be a better friend to others.

Honestly I sometimes feel so overwhelmed by all the “catching” up I feel I should be doing with all my friends who live in a wide variety of places. I guess it’s a good problem to have. I have so many friends that I find it hard to manage them all! ☺ I consider nearly 10 different girls “best friends” with special significance in my life. Definitely future bridesmaids material! That’s definitely a blessing.

To be honest, a lot of my bad attitude lately comes from my insecurities about my situation in life right now. I just feel kind of out of place. I don’t have a real concrete path that I’m following. Twenty-three is an odd age. I’m not a college student anymore, but I don’t really consider myself a full-fledged adult either. As much as I have great friends around the world, I don’t have many in my current situation. I want buddies to go do stuff with. I’m still somewhat new here and I’m not really plugged in yet with people my age. I live at home with my parents, which is fun, and I feel like it’s the place for me right now and I’m very thankful for it. But I tend to feel somewhat embarrassed by my over-all situation. I really hate the question, “what do you do?” Because I don’t really know how to answer it right now.

Frustrating Things I’ve Learned or Realized This Year:

• I’m SO not in control of …well…anything.
• Life is hard and confusing when you grow up.
• Things definitely don’t EVER turn how I plan; yet somehow I still keep on trying to plan.
• As much of a people person as I am, when I have issues, I usually keep to myself. . I feel it’s best to keep myself hidden away when I’m not at my best. Which is silly since that is when I should call on my friends for encouragement I suppose.
• I seem to be completely unable to control my emotions. When I’m sad it shows, when I’m happy it shows. It’s a curse. Seems that most other people are able to hide when they need to, not me.
• I have trouble with communication when it comes to important serious conversations. I tend to avoid them…because I can’t help but wear my heart on my sleeve and I don’t want to cry.
• I’ve become an expert at beating myself up. I’m trying fix this I think this is somehow related to my newfound pessimism.

Things I need to pray for:

• PATIENCE! I have like…zero.
• The ability to find joy in seemingly negative situations.
• Giving up control.
• Direction. I really have no idea where I’m headed.
• That God would grant me the desire of my heart. (I tend to worry about it instead of praying about it)
• That I would recognize God’s love for me even when I fail instead of beating myself up.

I know I just need to trust God and be patient. Everything in my life right now is happening for a reason and I know God has SOMETHING brewing for me. I just have no idea what it is. But I definitely felt the need to COME HOME after the Disney College Program. I just got caught up in “having fun” in California (and also in Florida) that I got off the right path. Any negative feelings towards that time in my life have nothing to do with anyone besides myself. I just needed to regroup and I needed to be in a good environment right now. I’m glad I can live with my parents and go to Dudley Baptist Church while I wait for God to show me what I’m meant to be doing or where I’m meant to go. My most favorite thing about my life right now is my church.

I’ve felt strongly about possibly becoming an elementary school teacher in the past few months after working a lot with the great kids at church. In the New Year I will start off by exploring my options in that area.

Today I was thinking about the great experience I had at the Passion ’06 Christian conference 5 years ago right before I went away to college. I checked into signing up for Passion ’11 and come to find out my church already has a group going! So I signed up! I’m excited!! What a great way to start out the New Year!

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