The end of 2010.

The following blog post is full of honesty. I have no secrets. Maybe I should, but I’m not very good at keeping them for long, so why bother.

In some ways it seems like this year flew right by and in others ways it seemed like it would never come to an end.

This year has been full of ups and downs for me. Perhaps it could be labeled the most emotional year of my life thus far. My apologies to anyone caught in the crossfire. Somehow or another this year seems to have slipped by me without my consent. Though, I guess they all do that.

I haven’t written in here much. I have to confess it’s mostly because I haven’t been living up to my title of “eternal optimist” I’ve been more of an “eternal pessimist” this year. Which also explains why I’ve been somewhat distant with pretty much all of my friends in the past few months. My apologies for that, as well. I know it’s selfish. Though I may not have been in tip-top shape, perhaps my friends needed me, and yet I stayed distant worried about my own problems. Next year I want to be a more of a whole and stable person so that I will be able to be a better friend to others.

Honestly I sometimes feel so overwhelmed by all the “catching” up I feel I should be doing with all my friends who live in a wide variety of places. I guess it’s a good problem to have. I have so many friends that I find it hard to manage them all! ☺ I consider nearly 10 different girls “best friends” with special significance in my life. Definitely future bridesmaids material! That’s definitely a blessing.

To be honest, a lot of my bad attitude lately comes from my insecurities about my situation in life right now. I just feel kind of out of place. I don’t have a real concrete path that I’m following. Twenty-three is an odd age. I’m not a college student anymore, but I don’t really consider myself a full-fledged adult either. As much as I have great friends around the world, I don’t have many in my current situation. I want buddies to go do stuff with. I’m still somewhat new here and I’m not really plugged in yet with people my age. I live at home with my parents, which is fun, and I feel like it’s the place for me right now and I’m very thankful for it. But I tend to feel somewhat embarrassed by my over-all situation. I really hate the question, “what do you do?” Because I don’t really know how to answer it right now.

Frustrating Things I’ve Learned or Realized This Year:

• I’m SO not in control of …well…anything.
• Life is hard and confusing when you grow up.
• Things definitely don’t EVER turn how I plan; yet somehow I still keep on trying to plan.
• As much of a people person as I am, when I have issues, I usually keep to myself. . I feel it’s best to keep myself hidden away when I’m not at my best. Which is silly since that is when I should call on my friends for encouragement I suppose.
• I seem to be completely unable to control my emotions. When I’m sad it shows, when I’m happy it shows. It’s a curse. Seems that most other people are able to hide when they need to, not me.
• I have trouble with communication when it comes to important serious conversations. I tend to avoid them…because I can’t help but wear my heart on my sleeve and I don’t want to cry.
• I’ve become an expert at beating myself up. I’m trying fix this I think this is somehow related to my newfound pessimism.

Things I need to pray for:

• PATIENCE! I have like…zero.
• The ability to find joy in seemingly negative situations.
• Giving up control.
• Direction. I really have no idea where I’m headed.
• That God would grant me the desire of my heart. (I tend to worry about it instead of praying about it)
• That I would recognize God’s love for me even when I fail instead of beating myself up.

I know I just need to trust God and be patient. Everything in my life right now is happening for a reason and I know God has SOMETHING brewing for me. I just have no idea what it is. But I definitely felt the need to COME HOME after the Disney College Program. I just got caught up in “having fun” in California (and also in Florida) that I got off the right path. Any negative feelings towards that time in my life have nothing to do with anyone besides myself. I just needed to regroup and I needed to be in a good environment right now. I’m glad I can live with my parents and go to Dudley Baptist Church while I wait for God to show me what I’m meant to be doing or where I’m meant to go. My most favorite thing about my life right now is my church.

I’ve felt strongly about possibly becoming an elementary school teacher in the past few months after working a lot with the great kids at church. In the New Year I will start off by exploring my options in that area.

Today I was thinking about the great experience I had at the Passion ’06 Christian conference 5 years ago right before I went away to college. I checked into signing up for Passion ’11 and come to find out my church already has a group going! So I signed up! I’m excited!! What a great way to start out the New Year!

It's a Brand New Day

Good morning! ...well ok it's 12:10PM but I went to bed at 5AM so it feels like morning still.

What's that?..Why did I go to bed at 5 AM? oh ...well..let me tell you...

I got inspired to totally rearrange/overhaul my bedroom at 1AM and between chatting with a few friends on facebook chat and making everything look perfect...four hours later after a very late night snack I hit the hay.

Something you should know about me...I'm realizing more and more everyday how extremely eccentric I am. My room looks amazing though! I remember when I was growing up I would rearrange my room allllll the time and I remember it being a real highlight of my week. Words cannot express how unexplainably excited it makes me. Something about rearranging my room is kinda like turning over a new leaf in my life...

Before I graduate I really want to have some good habits in place...things I've been trying to be more diligent with for years! They always say that the habits you set in college are the ones that you keep with you for the rest of your life...so I have until May to have my life how I want it for the rest of my life!?! Wow..that can't be right.

Anyways in keeping with that and after my inspiring evening of feng shui-ness I mapped out a plan for my day so that I can do all the things I've been wanting to get in the habit of doing.


Here's a list (because you'll start to notice that I'm very obsessed with lists) of the routine I am trying out today in order to hopefully start forming some habits...

1. Wake up
2. Eat breakfast in bed
3. Pray
4. Read the Bible in bed
5. Journal
6. Read the news (CNN.com on my Google Reader)
7. Exercise (Wii Fit or at least some sit-ups)
8. Shower

Do whatever I need to do that day and at some point

9. Read...Currently the Chronicles of Narnia: The Horse and His Boy
10. Practice singing and learning to play the piano

So Far I'm doing good at keeping with the plan...though I've left off after #7. It's a good feeling.

Instead of the usual ...

1. Wake up late
2. Skip breakfast
3. Neglect my relationship with God
4. Ignore what's going on in the world
5. Waste time on facebook
6. Shower
7. Take a nap
8. Rely on my high metabolism to keep me slim forever
9. Waste more time throughout the day

Those days are so much less full-filling than days like today....I'm better than that...I want to live ON PURPOSE! Not just drift through the day.

So, word of advice....if you're feeling kind of bland....rearrange your room, make a few lists, and live life on purpose...it is working wonders for me today =)

Anyways...that's my blurb for the day...soon I'll post some new years resolutions :)